Beautiful morning light, accompany you to read.
it really hurts.
because I saw a piece of sad news.
A middle school student in Wuhan, a third-year junior high school student, committed suicide after being slapped by his mother in public at school on Thursday, according to the cover news. Although he was sent to hospital as soon as possible, he died of serious injuries.
it all started when a 14-year-old boy was caught playing cards at school and invited his mother to come.
it is not clear how the boy's mother communicates with the teacher.
the scene captured by the surveillance shows that the mother slapped the child in the face and the child blocked it in the hallway.
after the mother said a few words angrily, the boy stood at attention, and the mother reached out and slapped the boy in the face.
next, the mother should be very upset, because then she pinches her son by the neck, pokes him on the forehead, and mumbles something else.
after his mother left, the boy stood still in the hallway for two minutes, then suddenly climbed up the railing and jumped from the fifth floor.
A 14-year-old boy just left.
I'm sorry to know him in this way.
but I think it is his mother who is most unable to forgive himself at the moment.
just like the incident of a 17-year-old jumping off a bridge in Shanghai, opinions were divided all over the world after the child jumped, but the mother who had an emotional breakdown lost her child forever and lived with unforgivable guilt all her life.
Mom is certainly wrong, whether from the way of education or emotional management.
but did the child choose to end his life with just a few words from his mother, two slaps and a push?
long before the tragedy broke out in such a sad way, the family had hidden too many parent-child conflicts.
tragedy is just an extreme way to expose to the world a hidden wound in a family that has been hidden for a long time, and to remind all onlookers that
the problem of education has never been an one-day problem.
the problem of children is never a matter of conflict.
A long time ago, the child was ill, but the parents were shy about medical treatment.
behind the problem children, parents who are absent
there is a saying in child psychology:
if there is a camera that can record the trajectory of his growth from the time the child is born, we will find that
when a child has a problem in some aspect, he has actually asked an adult for help many times.
for example, when a child is inattentive, adults have not given him a quiet and orderly environment for a long time, and his attention is always attracted by the noise until he can't calm down for five minutes at last.
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for example, a child is grumpy, crying and unreasonable, because adults do not have the patience to communicate with him, or are used to feeding him with the indulgence of "just cry" until he threatens adults.
for example, children are particularly obsessed with mobile games, in which adults throw their mobile phones to their children when they are busy, so as to escape the fatigue of companionship, and in the ambiguity of the rules, it is okay for children to play casually.
all the problems with children can be seen as prototypes in us, and the root causes can be found in our families.
just like the 14-year-old boy jumping off a building in Wuhan, the mother's collapse and beating on her child in public is not the only one to happen here and now.
is also like your family, children are obsessed with mobile games. When he was with his grandparents from an early age, he could play mobile games whenever he wanted to, watch TV if he wanted, eat alone if he wanted to eat alone, or even beat adults if he wanted to.
when he grew up without rules, of course he did not understand the square circle;
he was raised by his ancestors, so of course he would not sympathize with others;
he had not been pointed out wrong, and of course he could not understand right and wrong when he was corrected.
Why do all education experts and psychologists say that the age of 6 is a critical period for children's growth?
because it is the first stroke of a blank piece of paper, the first paragraph of a text, the first step of an angel, the first stage of habit formation, and the first bridge of parent-child connection.
it is very sad that many parents do not give safe and adequate companionship to their children before the age of 6 for various reasons. when their children are sick, they criticize with great disgust:
"Why are you like that? you are so embarrassing to me! How could I have a child like you! "
such parents are not qualified to dislike their children, but to apologize to them.
because every sick child is shouting to his parents by hurting himself:
seeing your child and seeing all his problems today is hostile to your absence for too long.
Don't casually label him as "bad", "rebellious" and "depraved". You also have a share in all his problems today.
accept him as generously as a newborn, lead him from the first good habit, give him time, give him affirmation, and he can take the initiative to change himself in what you see.
when you do this in terms of mentality, you do the next thing in action--
to save a child is actually to sort out the relationships around him
everyone's inner world is a reflection of his relationship.
so, to save or cure a child, it is not the child that needs to be treated, but the relationship around him, or rather, the relationship between him and his parents.
many parentsFailing to see this, when they found that the child had a problem, they rushed to the hospital, thinking that it was all the child's fault, and even sent the child to a swindler like Yang Yongxin, which would only destroy the child with his own hands.
your children are raised by their grandparents from an early age. Although you are his parents, your grandparents are more like his psychological parents.
when he reaches puberty, you bring him to you, label him as "bad", arbitrarily cut off his relationship with the elderly, but do not have the time, patience and means to repair your relationship with him.
this child, in the sudden rupture of the relationship, will be at a loss as to what to do and abnormal rebellion.
he left his doting grandparents and lacked intimacy and trust in you. In the midst of loneliness and helplessness, he must grasp something to build a relationship that is infinitely inclusive and infinitely accepted.
Mobile phones and games have become substitutes.
in reality, he cannot establish continuous and intimate love with people he is close to.
in the game, he builds a fragile and obsessive network with illusory people.
you know, every child who is addicted to online games is actually a teenager disappointed in reality, or rather, disappointed in his parents.
stop yelling at your child: "Why are you so obsessed with games?"
from bit by bit, accompany him back to reality to connect with people.
exercise with him, travel with him, read with him, invite him to participate in family affairs, listen to his thoughts, let him make decisions, let him understand in the experience and experience--
there are so many interesting things outside the space of
accept that he can still make mistakes, become addicted, catch fish for three days, dry the net for two days, and take three steps forward and two steps back, but be sure to encourage him to rebuild himself in his good habits.
if you walk more, a small step becomes a big step, and a child becomes a good boy.
when you do this in action, you can come to the third stage--
give you all tenderness, but I also have a firm time
these years, the outbreak of children's self-harm and suicide has confused many parents:
I really don't know how to manage my child! If you have too much control, the child will jump off the building!
ignore him, but also afraid that he will go the wrong way!
actually, don't worry too much.
Juvenile suicides have been happening all the time, no matter in the past or now, at home or abroad.
because problem families have never been extinct.
in recent years, the Internet has developed and spread rapidly, while educational anxiety has magnified such tragic events again and again in the discussion.
in terms of probability, these events are always extreme events of low probability. As long as you really love your child, he will most likely grow into a healthy and open-minded person.
so, what is true love?
gentle and firm love.
in daily life, give children all tenderness and patience, acceptance and encouragement, sharing and companionship, rather than preaching and nagging, control and kidnapping.
in specific matters, we should give children firm principles and boundaries, praise them loudly if they are right, point out clearly that they will be severely punished if they break their promises, and pay a price if they break the rules.
the simplest example is that it is agreed to play the game for only 20 minutes, and you have to put down your phone when the time comes. Otherwise, you will lose your next 20-minute opportunity.
parents must do what they say, and their deeds must have results, and their children will be clear about themselves in a clear understanding.
A mother named "Jin Sister" shared her child's story after a 14-year-old boy jumped off a building in Wuhan:
"my cub is also a carefree child.
when I was in middle school, I was invited to school by my teacher so many times that I was nervous when I saw the teacher's phone call.
but he has not been accused of beating and scolding the child for this.
in my freshman year of high school, I received a call from my teacher saying that my boy had forged a day pass (he was a boarder) and was caught at the end of that day.
I was in another city, explaining the situation to the teacher. I started at once and didn't get to school until 10:30 in the evening.
I asked the teacher carefully how the child was, and the teacher said he was standing outside.
I saw my cub standing upright in the corridor. When he saw me, he shouted 'Mom'.
I asked him if he had eaten, but he said no. I went to the teacher's office and was told that the result of the punishment was that the class was suspended for three days and a demerit was recorded.
I accepted it calmly, apologized to the teacher, took the cub away and handed him the food I bought for him on the way.
I haven't said a word about it when I've been at home for three days.
on the fourth day, I sent him to school. After entering the school gate, I asked him, "tell me how to fight wits with uncle security."
the stupid boy smiled and told the story from beginning to end, but he didn't do anything but go for a walk or buy a drink.
I said why bother, a person's file is to accompany for life, to cherish their own honor.
by the way, I told him, "my mother has bad eyes and rushed to school that day. Drive on the highway at night. If something happens, how can you live your life? "
since then, the cub has not caused me any more trouble. "
if you want to be accepted by the child, accept the child first.
if you want to get your child's love, love your child first.
if you want to get good results, first sow good causes.
the mostLater, how do you get along with your children?
there are two principles.
the first principle is that when a child makes a mistake, treat him like a child.
that is to say, he is a child, still growing up, with limited cognitive level and lack of self-control, all of which require him to learn slowly and learn from his parents' teachings. Please be more tolerant and patient.
the second principle is that when you criticize a child, be sure to treat him like an adult.
from an adult's point of view, think about what you have to say. If you put it on an adult, will it hurt your self-esteem?
Children are also human beings. As long as they are human, they will be sad if they are scolded, angry if they are not respected, hate if they are wronged, and painful if they are not understood.
teach some tips for parents to talk to their children:
Please don't say: I'm talking to you. What's wrong with you?
Please say this: I feel like you have something on your mind today. Can you tell me about it? See if Mom and Dad can help you.