Beautiful morning light, accompany you to read.
two days ago, I was reading a picture book with my daughter, only to be "educated" by a penguin.
the little penguin in the story is often torn apart by his mother: his head flies into the universe; his belly falls into the sea; his wings fall into the tropical jungle.
my daughter was first giggled by my exaggerated interpretation, then suddenly said, "Mom, the last time you yelled at me, I was blown up like a little penguin."
I was embarrassed by my daughter's naive "child's words". When I recalled it, I found that we unwittingly adopted an "extreme" way of communication with our children:
"such a simple question is also wrong, you don't have eyes?"
"if you don't study hard now, you won't even be able to beg for food in the future!"
in life, such words can be heard all the time.
for parents, it takes only a few seconds to say a word, but for a child, parents' words have a direct impact on his identity, his view of the world, and the way he gets along with the world.
American clinical psychologist Marshall Luxembourg once said:
the language of parents is the source of love and energy for children, and the way of communication is the key to whether the spring water is of high quality or not.
A third-rate mother, by yelling "suppresses" her child; a second-rate mother, by saying "subduing" her child; and a first-rate mother, by listening to "win" her child.
the louder the mother's voice, the less the child will "talk"
it is hard to imagine that the glowing "idol drama queen" Chen Qiaoen had a gray background in his childhood.
in an interview program, she talked about her sad past.
from an early age, her mother was extremely strict with her. As long as she could not meet the requirements, she was waiting for her with "devil-like cries".
in her words, "I didn't have sense of security in my childhood. I lived in fear. I didn't know how to talk to my mother, especially afraid of her yelling at me."
Mother's long-term language deterrence has blocked the emotional connection between mother and daughter, so that she did not take the initiative to hold her mother's hand until she was 20 years old.
under the spur of his mother's "treble", Chen Qiaoen seems to have a successful career now, but in fact the shadow of his childhood has never dissipated.
she once claimed that she had a tendency to be depressed and could not go out for weeks.
when a mother regards her child as an emotional release, even if some children are intimidated by obscene power at that time, their backlog of unease and fear may be detonated at any time, while some children will copy their mother's decibels and become more and more "out of control."
in many cases, the louder the mother's roar, the child will not only not "speak", but also will not "listen".
A few days ago, I was impressed by a "little devil" Dongdong when I took my children to play in the amusement park.
he either snatched other people's toys or bullied his companions. In the end, the children had to go to his mother to file a complaint.
but the louder his mother scolded, the more unscrupulous he became. Finally, his mother said helplessly, "it's the same at home. I have a bad temper. I've yelled at him countless times. It's completely useless. Now he's louder than I am. There's nothing I can do about it."
in the eyes of the mother, the son has a naughty nature, but in fact the son is just a "tape recorder" and the mother is the "source of sound".
Professor Li Meijin, a psychologist, once said:
"it's easy to destroy a child without games and fun, as long as parents yell at him all the year round."
she once conducted a survey of 1000 minors and found that children who are often yelled and scolded by their parents at home are the most likely to have personality defects:
25.7% of children are "self-abased and depressed"; 56.5% of children are often "grumpy".
language is emotional. Every "cruel word" we say to the child leaves a clear scar in the child's heart. Although it is invisible on the surface, the harm it brings to the child is real.
if such feelings accumulate too much, in the end, the child can only find an outlet inward, become silent and self-abased, or "release" outward and become an "emotional" child.
the more mothers talk, the faster their children "run"
someone on Zhihu asked, "what's the experience of having a moralistic mother?"
saw a highly praised answer: "as long as my mother opens her mouth, my ears want to 'run'."
Why doesn't the child want to hear it when it is for the good of the child?
there is a term in psychology called "out-of-limit effect", which refers to the phenomenon of natural escape when the body receives too much stimulation.
Truth is originally a neutral word. Once "leverage" tends to condescend to preach, children will naturally grow cocoons in their ears if they listen too much. They will not only fail to listen, but even refute them from the "toes".
after watching a variety show "the City of Fantasy Music", Yi Nengjing talked about getting along with her son.
she said she quarreled with her son for the first time because he wanted to learn editing, and she used a lot of analysis and argumentation to convince her son that there was a better way out.
after chattering for a long time, I finally choked on my son's words.
the son retorted: "you tell me what you know. How do you know that what you know is all?" You've never been to my future! "
educator Dewey once said:
condescending preaching appears to be communication, but in fact, children are only required by their own standards, and children do not have the initiative, so they naturally choose to evade and refute because they do not have a sense of participation.
and really benign parent-child communication always depends on more than just the tongue.
the mother listens patiently, the child will say
parenting expert Lu Qin once said:
in the book "good parents, good Children", she shared her experience.
when her son comes home from school, he will tell her interesting things about school excitedly at first, but at first she ignores his need for an audience.
because she is busy with her work, every time her son talks to her, she always feels that she is wasting time and looks like "hurry up" with her eyes looking around.
over time, in order to finish his speech in a limited time, his son could only speed up his speech, but finally caused a language barrier and began to stutter and become less and less confident.
after discovering the child's change, Lu Qin began to reflect and change his "listening" mode. Instead of being a superior instructor, he kept a low profile and patiently listened to the child. When he saw the child beaming, he gave him a knowing smile.
in this way, children more and more like to share "little secrets" with their mother, and their personality is more lively and cheerful.
so, if we want to solve our children's problems, the first step is to open our ears.
listening is a necessary ability for parents to raise their children. as a saying goes:
mothers only listen but do not "speak", which seems to be lazy, but makes their children feel attentive attention. There is a Hawthorne effect in psychology, which is about the importance of listening.
there is a factory called Hawthorne in the United States, which has a first-class working environment and perfect welfare benefits, but it is strange that the employees inside are not highly motivated, resulting in low production efficiency.
to this end, psychologists set up a special research team to conduct "talk experiments" on workers in order to find out the crux of the problem.
for more than two years, psychologists have talked to workers more than 20,000 times. In the process of communication, they listened patiently rather than refuted and reprimanded them. When workers vent all their true complaints and opinions, they feel more comfortable at work and are naturally energetic.
"when people realize that they are really being noticed, they deliberately change some of their behaviors."
this is true for adults, and so is children. Every disobedient child has a voice at the bottom of his heart, and as long as we are willing to "listen", the child will "speak".
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if parents learn to listen effectively, their children will have more confidence to speak.
the language of parents once put forward an important principle of parent-child communication, "empathy and concern": pay attention to what the child is doing and think, and then listen carefully and give a response.
but in the process of parent-child communication, we are often blocked by five "obstacles in the way", blocking the connection of "empathy" with our children.
rogue: high above;
Blind: empty preaching;
busy: no time to communicate;
awn: with thorns in words;
confused: do not know how to communicate;
when we open our ears, break through these five obstacles and learn empathy, children will certainly open their hearts with the respect of love.
Socrates once said: